Laughing Tears
by reckless redgies sexy screams
Summary: Rebuild A.U.: Shinji is filled with hate towards everyone who he believes abandoned him, but he still cries. DARKFIC WARNING...I THINK!
1. The Little Stars

I was in those wavy stars for what seemed like an eternity, gazing at the distant dots painted across the world. The little planets that danced around their solar systems with cheer, like they were partying after a great victory.

How I wished to join them in their dance, but every time I tried they would throw me away, but still, I tried. Time and time again I prayed and begged them to let me join.

All they did was laugh at me, I would begin to cry and ask them why they hated me so much.

' _why-why do you hate me?'_ , I never felt like I said those words, no, I thought them to the little dots, to the little dots who were so much smaller than me, but that I still longed so much to just be able to be within their presence.

My desperate pleas only made them dance with more joy, yes, my suffering was their great victory!

I wanted to scream at them, to say how much I hated them for laughing at me, but instead, I would crawl into my deep corner of the stars and cry to myself. Where were they, the people whom I belonged with?

Did they abandon me? Then I hate them too! I would say to myself, that I hated them all, but, that didn't explain why I cried even more after thinking about it.

That same thing happened over and over for what seemed like an eternity, I would never receive an answer from the little dots, only laughter.

I never stopped crying either, every drop that left my eyes felt like the tears were mixed with sand.

That only made me cry more.

' _Mommy, where are you?_ '

' _Daddy, why wasn't I good enough_ '

These questions forcibly rolled themselves around Shinji's head.

His sobbing continued, the dots danced more.

For the dots, this was such a fun game! ' _Hey momma, look at the watery big guy_ ', a little dot giggled out to the bigger dot while they did their fun little dance.

' _Oh, pay him no mind honey!_ ', the wisdom-filled big dot warned to the little dot.

' _after all, he doesn't deserve the attention._ ', the big dot further explained to her precious little dot. She could never let her precious little dot meet that awful thing.

' _*giggle, okay momma!_ ' the little dot said, unable to contain her giggling against her mommas stern tone.

And so all the little dots continued their fun dance to the whimsical music that was the big child's unending sobs and tears.

For 10 years, the child lay in his puddle of tears, until one day, there was a hole.

An unstoppable black hole that sucked up all the little dots.

And left the child alone.

For the child, there was no more dancing for him to try to join, no more laughing. But his tears continued, for 4 more years, his tears grew and filled up his starless world.

Once the tears filled up all that surrounded the boy...he drowned.

In his tears, he began to be unable to breathe, he began thrashing and kicking around.

' _no-no-no I'm sorry please don't kill me!_ ', he begged, once more he begged not to die.

' _please...please...please..._ ', slowly... the boy's eyes shut what, deep down-unannounced even to him, the boy hoped would be the last time.

He was wrong like every other time he thought. He was wrong when he thought that, if he begged enough for the dots to let him dance with them, they would let him. He was wrong when he thought his miserable little tears would stop and run out.

Slowly... he opened his eyes... and was met with an unfamiliar ceiling.

Authors notes: this was just a short preview for my story. The next chapters will definitely be longer but I don't know when it will be out. Thank you for reading my garbage story.

P.S. please comment in the review section below the story, whenever I get a comment it really motivates me. Feel free to be as brutal as possible in your criticisms of my story.


	2. And The Finger Fidgeted

My body didn't have time to adjust as I was quickly thrust up back into the world by way of a gurney and armed guards.

I couldn't even open my eyes as a doctor started flashing a small light into my eyes and saying things I couldn't articulate at that point in time.

Finally, after what felt like hours of being a piece of a somewhat stale piece of bread with a severe case of cramps, I finally spoke, "where...where...", It came out in barely a whisper like I was whispering from the bottom of my throat.

" _hmm_ ", a brown-haired young woman hummed out from her lightly closed lips, seemingly jotting down every single thing that I did.

"Oh!... What did you say Shinji?", asked the doctor as she looked away from her clipboard to gaze down at me...from so high up.

"where...who...", I whispered, adding a new question to my growing list of them.

" Where?...well I can't really tell you that but as to who, my name is Nazumi.", answered the doctor who put a cheery exterior, but Shinji wasn't sure if it was real, especially compared to the looks that the four armed men who were at all corners of the elevator that they were taking up were giving him.

"Nazumi...Nazumi...", I said letting the new word roll off of my week tongue a few times so I could get used to it.

" _Hmm_ , yes that's my name!", Nazumi said using that strange humming again, mixed with that cheeriness that Shinji couldn't make out if it was fake or not.

Shinji wanted so badly to get off that gurney, but he was too afraid of what the guards might do if he moved... always so afraid.

"Any other questions, Shinji?", Nazumi said while finishing filling up everything on the clipboard and becoming worried, _'guess its time for him to meet the main crew_ ', she thought with wonder with a sickly sweet scientific wonderment as to what both sides reactions would be.

The grated elevators doors opened after the signaling of a ring and the gurney was taken out to the main deck.

Shinji was taken right to the middle of the room where he was able to take in his surroundings.

' _who are these people?_ ', he wondered as he saw so many people lines up in seats against a wall of what looked like electronic honeycombs.

They were so concentrated on their work that they still hadn't noticed Shinji entering the room.

"I have brought the specimen", Nazumi said turning doctor mode the second she laid eyes on the figure ontop the catwalk.

"Good, you may release his restraints.", the figure said these words in such a way that Shinji couldn't get anything out of hearing it. He couldn't tell if it was male or female, young or old, black or white.

The guards then came up to Shinji and pulled off the gurney and forced him into a standing position. Shinji noticed that he even had restraints on for the first time as the guards began the process of unshackling and removing.

Once they were off, Shinji's attention was immediately drawn to the people lined up against what he assumed was a command center for... for what, Shinji didn't know.

' _Why-why are they making those faces?_ ', Shinji thought, looking at the people lined up against the wall. Those faces-those horrible faces that they made were mixes of fear, disgust... and pure hatred.

The worst part for Shinji was that he thought he recognized some of those faces.

He couldn't take any more of those face, he just couldn't stand to be looked at that way.

Turning his attention to the catwalk Shinji noticed that there was a second figure on the catwalk.

' _is...is that Ritsuko?_ ', Shinji thought while staring at the shoddily buzz-cutted blonde haired head of a woman in a lab coat.

She noticed his intense staring and looked back for a moment before turning back to her work, getting uncomfortable with being looked at for so long. Even more, so that it was Shinji who was staring.

Noticing her refusal to even look at him, Shinji turned with minor disdain toward the other figure on the catwalk.

' _is-is that father?_ ', Shinki wondered before feeling a small hand on his shoulder.

"That's commander Katsuragi", Nazumi said in a slightly hushed manner.

"That's Misato?!", Shinji asked bewildered that the person standing up there could possibly be Misato.

' _they don't look alike at all_.'.

" Yes...", Nazumi answered slightly uncomfortable and hoping she wouldn't have to explain this right now.

There she was, right up there. The woman that Shinji had lived with for months. The woman who Shinji thought of as some sort of family.

The woman who abandoned him in that starry world.

He had so much he wanted to say to her, he wanted to go right up to her and ask-no, he would demand her to tell him why she had abandoned him.

 _why did you throw me away!?_

 _why, was I not good enough!?_

 _why-why did you leave me alone..._

But Shinji too weak, too weak and too scared of hearing the answer, to hear her say that he wasn't good enough.

That she didn't care about him.

So instead he stared at her, he stared and stared and in his mind...yes in his mind he WAS asking that question, no, **demanding** her to answer him.

Everything was so much better in his mind. Because in his mind, he had at least a little control.

Shinji had to turn away from her, it just hurt too much to look at her. To look at the person he used to love as a mother and who didn't give a damn about him in return.

But little to Shinji's knowledge, he was being stared at from atop the catwalk, Out of the corner of her eye, Misato stared uneasily at the boy.

At the boy who had sold away the world for one person, one person that died anyway.

At the boy that she had lived with so long ago, in a little apartment building, they lived together. Before a hot-headed girl with the appropriate hair for such a personality joined them. Before half the world rotted away.

It truly felt like a lifetime ago.

"so...he's back... he's really back isnt he", She said those words to the ears of nobody. Yet she said those words with fear...disdain...and to her own deep anger... happiness.

"What was that Misato", Ritsuko asked her commanding officer...and old friend, at least, that's what she hoped.

"Oh, it's nothing... _Rit's_...", Misato wasn't fully there at that moment, she was lost in the days long gone by.

Like she too had just left a time capsule.

"Oh, okay, Misa", Ritsuko said, returning her friends old pet name that they made for each other in college.

Misato never noticed the names being exchanged, instead, she continued to stare at the one thing from her past that she had no idea how to handle... so she would just go back to work.

"Hey...what is this thing?", Shinji said, just now noticing the red and black collar that was locked around his neck and beginning to prod at it.

Nazumi didn't answer.

Shinji further prodded at the uncomfortable device.

Misato, realizing that now was the time for the two to talk and wishing she had a few more minutes of being able to pretend that the boy wasn't there, was the one who answered.

"That is the punishment for your crimes...Shinji", she barely got out that last word.

"What...take it off Misato...", Shinji said Meekly as he watched Misato ignore him and instead, take out a small joystick-like controller and pressed two buttons on it.

Shinji stepped back in shock from the mix of the collar around his neck fitting itself around him tightly so that it wouldn't be taken off, and from a wall of text appearing out of his collar.

"If you ever attempt to remove or if your emotions become too unstable", Misato explained to the boy while idly rolling her thumb around the button that could end all this confusion for her.

How she longed for the courage to be able to kill the boy, but she knew she would never be strong enough to press that button, so she continued to fidget with it, teetering on the edge.

"why...", Shinji whispered so quietly that no one besides Nazumi heard him.

And she didn't have an answer for him.

Shinji was on the brink of a breakdown after hearing Misato's cold words. Deep down Shinji wanted to beg her not to kill him, that he would be a good boy.

 _no momma ill be a good boy I swear!_

 _please momma...I...I love you so, please don't kill me._

 _I'm sorry I wasn't good enough...momma._

But more than Shinji's desperation was anger...anger and sadness.

He simply stood there, wanting to go back to the starry world but knowing that that that world was dead. Deep down Shinji knew that he was the one who killed it.

Shinji's slow-building madness held him still, still as ice. The only the that was able to make him move was the sounds of bombs going off and the ship shook violently.

end of chapter two.


	3. Glass Flittering

The small shards of glass flittered around the sides of my face, causing small lines of blood to clutter my face.

"That was 14 years...my 14 years of grief and anger, _brat_ ", those words were said through clenched teeth and ragged breath, teeth that were grinding from rage...and sadness.

"Asuka...Asuka I'm so-", Shinji wasn't sure what he was trying to say but it didn't matter, Asuka wouldn't let him say them.

"Shut up", she said, snarling with anger, raw anger and grief.

Shinji didn't know what to do anymore, he didn't have a single clue as to what to say or do.

For Shinji... everyone he ever cared about... hated him. They hated him not for what he did or looked like, they hated him for who he was.

Not knowing what else to do, Shinji slowly slid back down into his chair, clutching his broken sdat with a desperate grip, slowly taking in the sterile hospital styled room he was placed in

Nazumi was already all over him, checking wounds and asking him if he was okay.

' _why...why is she so nice..._ ', Shinji thought wanting to cry, cry and roll into a small ball. He hated that feeling...that feeling and himself.

Shinji stared down at his sdat as Nazumi lined the cuts on his face with a sealing fluid, absent-mindedly pressing the worn out play button that he had used so many time to escape.

Escape into his own numb little world, but the thing was broken, broken and worthless.

Shinji wasn't sure why, but the more he pressed the button on the sdat, and the more it didn't work. The angrier he got at it.

He began to put pressure on the sdat with both of his hands.

He also began to hear a small yet satisfying crackling coming from it.

He wanted to crush it, to show it what it was really worth when it couldn't do anything for him.

But Nazumi stopped him before he could finish it off.

Without a single word, she lightly placed her hand on top of his as if to say, _doesn't it belong to you, why would you want to destroy it?_.

Shinji felt that was what her hand meant when it placed itself upon his own, and he didn't have an answer for it.

Slowly, Shinji let go of the sdat, letting it drop to the floor, the wires that belonged to the headphones slowly unwrapping from his arms and following its main body.

Nazumi hands gave a comforting pressure on his hands before letting go and getting back to work.

"We'll continue your tour of our facilities later", Misato said, leaving with Ritsuko in tow.

" _Hmm_ , Shinji are you okay", Nazumi said while observing the boy with genuine concern. All while doing that hum.

no response.

" _sigh,_ well I have to go for today, see you tomorrow okay?", she said softly, but before leaving she had one more thing to say.

" Oh, and we'll put you in your official room tomorrow, 'kay?", She said with half her head already out the door.

She then left, and Shinji was alone...alone with those damn thoughts of his.

He got up from the chair and went to lay down on his oh so great hospital bed.

Once he was in a semi-comfortable position, Shinji relayed over everything that he had been told(though it was rather annoying to do so with the stinging sensation that was laced all over his face constantly burning back up).

Shinji thought about the lives he had taken...the lives he had cut short. It felt like the more he thought about the lives he ended, the more he thought he could see their faces, their scared faces built a wall in his mind. Shinji's deepest sorrow for the moment though was about what he had sacrificed half the world for.

' _damnit...damnit...damnit_ ', that was all Shinji was able to think about as he turned the words Misato said to him over and over again in his head.

 _Wait...Misato..._

 _W-what is it_ There was the tiniest quiver in her voice.

 _Where...where is Rei?_ It was a question Shinji desperately wanted to hear an answer to but was so scared of it at the same time.

 _She's dead, Shinji..._ she let the word Shinji slowly drag itself out of her tongue, feeling sympathy, not for the blue haired girl herself, but for what she meant to the boy her mind had decided that it cared about. And she was afraid that no amount of time would change that fact.

Shinji didn't bother thinking about how the conversion turned out after that point, no, all that mattered was that even in his last moments, Shinji was still a failure.

He threw away half the world just so that one, small life would be saved...and he still manages to fuck it up.

Shinji's thoughts naturally started toward the direction of Asuka, and, without really thinking, Shinji placed his hand on his face only to immediately tear it away with unseeable speed as the fiery stinging rippled through his now pinched face.

' _gah, wasn't that stuff supposed to help_ ', shiny thought recalling back to the liquid that Nazumi lined across his cuts.

Once the sour burning died down, Shinji somehow managed to go asleep in his hospital styled bed.

Sleep, for once, was merciful for Shinji. Sure, there were no whimsical moments or impossible serenity that only dreams could create. No, instead, what Shinji got, was nothingness in its purest form, and Shinji reaped every moment that wasn't torture on his mind that he could.

 _ **IKARI**_

Shinji jumped up from his bed with blistering vigor.

' _What the_ - _what the hell was that!?_ ', He thought, trying to reconstruct the bellowing voice he had just heard-or no, he thought he heard.

 _ **IKARI, WE MUST GO**_

This time Shinji was fully awake to hear the voice, and he thought he recognized it.

' _is...is that rei_ ', Shinji thought with the nonsensical hope that what Misato had told him was all just a twisted joke.

But before Shinji could fully process everything, he was thrown out of bed by an explosion ringing out of the air and the ship's alarms sounding full force in the tangled up Shinji's ears.

 _ **COME ON IKARI, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME**_

Quickly untangling himself from his bed sheets, Shinji made his way toward the voice with uncertain yet blissful footsteps.

With each ringing that his feet made when they hit the steel floor putting him in an almost trance-like state.

 _End Of Chapter 3_

Author Note: Please comment on this chapter with your thoughts, they really motivate me to keep writing.

thanks for reading.


	4. ending

_**THIS WAY**_ _ **IKARI, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME**_...

Shinji continued to follow the advice of Rei, all while thinking about how Misato had lied to him about her, and with such a horrid calmness cloaking her words.

' _how...how could she do that to me_ ', he thought miserably.

Wait no-no he couldn't think about that now, quickly shaking away his thoughts, Shinji continued to follow Rei's advice.

"Unit one, whats the situation on the east side brig!?", Misato asked her crew.

"It's an Eva, commander, we are unsure of its current motives for the attack.", answered Makoto as levelly as he could with the situation being so dire.

"Damnit", she snarled in response.

' _fuck, couldn't this have waited until we at least got our repairs finished first?_ ', she thought in a pitiful attempt of lightening the situation for herself.

The crew was jarred by another violent quaking as the attacking eva ripped away yet another one of their defense barriers.

" _Shit_ , Mari!?", yelled Misato to her only available pilot.

"aye aye, captain!",responded the unorthodox twin-tailed brunette all while sporting a salute on her monitor.

"Are you ready to deploy?", Misato asked ignoring her underling's snideness, not really knowing how to deal with Mari...not that anyone really did.

"well, just give me a little sec okay...", she responded with a tad of embarrassment.

"Explain your reason's.", Misato Demanded with a face that was all but prepared to turn into a nasty pinch after hearing what she had to say.

"Well...I've noticed how well...uh...", She started to trail off.

"What is it, Mari?", Misato asked, starting to feel genuine concern for what this problem could be.

"Well...you know Asuka got to...", she further trailed off into some unknown galaxy far-far away.

"Asuka got to what, we don't have much time here, lieutenant".

"You never asked me if I wanted to meet the puppy!", she blurted out in such a way that Misato thought for sure that she heard the word ' _baka_ ' at the end.

"What...what puppy?", Misato asked bewildered while trying to scramble her assertiveness back.

"The puppy boy we just got."

It instantly clicked for Misato as to what exactly Mari was inquiring about.

"Lieutenant, this is not the time for jokes, now get ready to pilot _damnit_ ", She said getting slightly irked that she just called Shinji...puppy... _just what the hell._

The two's _conversion_ (if that's what you call it) was bluntly interrupted by Nazumi bursting through the command doors.

" _COMMANDER_ ", she blurted out with what little was left of her ragged breath.

"What is it, Nazumi, we don't have much time here?", a confused and already irritated Misato inquired.

"Its Shinji, he's gone", she answered, fear and worriedness practically dripping down her pore's.

That caused a brief silence to fall over the previously busy and bustling command center, with all its inhabitants bursting at the seams with the desire to question the young woman.

 _Where is he?_

 _Where the hell was security!?_

 _We have to get him back, damnit!!!_

Those questions and _many, many_ more were on everyone's mind and already practically coming out of their mouths when their commander spoke.

"Ritsuko, with me, we're going to collect our _guest_ ", Misato spoke out with a level tone truly befitting that of a leader.

"Wh-what should I do...commander", Nazumi said with a slight tremble from the fact that Misato didn't even mention anything about what she should do.

' _didn't even ask if I wanted to help with finding Shinji_ ', She thought while holding back the slight desire to inform her higher up to who exactly has the job of looking after the boy.

"Do whatever you want", Misato responded quickly while already running to the point of the Eva's contact, as she believed that that was where Shinji would most likely be.

"O-okay", Nazumi said while not bothering to follow Misato to question her further, while standing still she overheard some of the crew's chatter.

Chatter that made her realize that she didn't know either.

"hey.", a black, bald man said while staring at his workstation.

"what is it?", a number of the other crew responded.

"You ever wonder why the commander doesn't just kill that kid already?",he said while making a face that was a mix of wonder and discomfort at the thought of the two possibly know each other.

"Who knows man, maybe she got a soft spot for kids, after all, it's not like shes _completely_ heartless", a pink haired girl said while thinking about their commander's **brutal** work hours.

Nazumi decided that now was not the time to listen in on meaningless chatter, especially not when she had to get Shinji back.

Though before she left, she noticed that two workers who would usually never shut up about the commander were being unusually quiet during this discussion.

No-no-no-no, this wasn't the time to think about random stuff, quickly gathering her stamina back up, Nazumi ran down another hallway then Misato had run down in order to spread their pin-in-a-haystack search area.

 _ **COME HERE**_ _ **IKARI...**_

This was Rei's final command to Shinji...but could he really follow it. Yes, he could, after all, what the hell did he have here anymore.

 _But Misato and Asuka might be mad_...

 **Fuck them, they're just going to kill you or** keep you here like a dog.

 _But Nazumi seems to like me..._

 **How the hell do you know if that wasn't just their plan, make you think that way just to keep you in their little box.**

 _bu-_

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a voice ripple through the air.

"Don't move, Shinji."

Shinji whipped his head around only to see Misato and Ritsuko staring him down.

With Misato holding the trigger device in her hand...like she was taunting him with the fucking thing.

Shinji's eyes narrowed at the sight of Misato and the device.

"Why... _WHY SHOULD I!?_ ", his voice turned out uneven through the blistering air.

Rei cut in with another command but Shinji ignored it.

"Because we will ensure your containment", Misato didn't really know what to say so she just said what made sense to her right now.

 _Containment? Not safety. Not holding. No, just containment._ Shinji was livid after hearing that.

"Containment, Misato?", he mumbled.

"Yes", she replied levelly.

Shinji didn't know what he wanted to say, all he knew was that he wanted to hurt Misato. The sadness and grief of losing everyone he ever knew and knowing that it was his fault were just too much for him.

So he said the simplest insult he could think of, it was something that a temper tantrum having 7-year old would say just to get a reaction. But anyone who even remotely knew Shinji never would have thought he would say that.

"I...I fucking hate you.", Shinji said weakly, hoping to keep his pathetic sobs at bay.

Misato was shocked to hear Shinji say that, some of her hurt showed through as her mouth opened slightly and her eyes widened...not that anyone noticed.

Shinji turned to the eva, not wanting to see their faces, and started to walk to Rei...to the only person who might care about him.

Misato wanted to yell at Shinji for trying to leave the ship-her.

She wanted to run out and throw him to the ground to hold him down and force him to stay on the ship-her.

But Nazumi stole her chance.

"NO SHINJI!!"

"Huh", but he didn't have time to do anything as he was flung to that ground.

His head making a dull clack sound as it bounced into the metal floor.

The last thing Shinji saw before he was pulled into darkness, was the sight of Rei's eva leaving him, and the wobbly, burning feeling of tears leaving his eyes.

END


End file.
